Judging a Book By Its Lover Read online

  CLIFFORD

  A big, red dog who…wait, does Clifford ever do anything? It’s a boring book for boring kids. A gigantic dog that doesn’t eat humans or at least crush a couple of houses? Snooze fest. Congratulations on begetting an average kid who will find a great position in middle management and have a somewhat happy marriage.

  GREEN EGGS AND HAM

  The perennial favorite of any gross-out kid—the one who throws boogers at classmates, pees his pants laughing at fart jokes, and pretends to blow up nearby buildings with the air bazooka he’s holding. In short: awesome.

  THE VELVETEEN RABBIT

  A crybaby in the purest sense of the term. Your child will get sentimental and emotionally attached to seemingly any object. These are the kids who won’t let a balloon go until it’s wilted on their bedroom floor. They’ll try to keep June bugs as pets. If they went to Hogwarts, they’d get placed in Hufflepuff.

  LOVE YOU FOREVER

  Daddy issues. The entire book makes not one mention of a father. Also, the whole taking-care-of-your-mother-as-an-old-woman thing is deeply creepy. Five-year-olds don’t need to know about that.

  A LIGHT IN THE ATTIC

  The edgy alternative to Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. Parents, you’re going to end up with a stoner on your hands. A wonderful, happy, creative pothead. How could you not? This collection of Silverstein poems is best read high. It’s only a matter of years before your kid tokes up and pulls out this book to blow his mind.

  THE LITTLE PRINCE

  Quietly contemplative. Regal. The other kids might call him names but you know your child is just introverted. He is far too busy contemplating the tao of life to bother with childhood rowdiness.

  HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON

  When your grown-up kid is delivering the news of his second or third divorce, remember all the nights you spent reading him this book, telling him that a boy could dance around with a purple crayon and make anything he wanted come to reality. Then stop wondering why he won’t stop sleeping with his secretaries. The answer is right here.

  CURIOUS GEORGE

  The creepy monkey kid whom no one likes. Seriously, why did the kid who loved monkeys always also look like a monkey? If you pick your kid up from school and a bunch of the other students are having him imitate an ape, you have to put your foot down. If not, in about ten years no one will go to prom with monkey kid.

  WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

  Navel-gazing Tumblr addict. Seriously, Spike Jonze makes a movie about a children’s book and suddenly every hipster “omg < 3”s it. Next.

  ELOISE

  “Narcissist” is too easy and much too simple a word to describe Eloise fans. Those nosy gossips with a taste for high-class clubbing and the ability to seek out the best sample sales will be moving straight to a big city after college graduation. Just wait for their e-mails eagerly sharing their photos on The Sartorialist and mentions in the local gossip rag.

  THE BERENSTAIN BEARS

  Wild, hyperactive kid who gets kicked out of class for laughing too hard at things that aren’t funny. They’re unable to gauge when and how to end the joking around. If you oblige them with a chuckle, you’re inviting them to beat the joke into the ground.

  THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS

  Boring, crusty-nosed girl with glasses who hangs out in the library. I’m yawning just thinking about that book.

  PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST

  This is a great book to read to your child if you never want to see your child again. You’re creating an adventurer. The “I’m going to move to Denver for a couple years and see how it pans out instead of graduating college!” kid. The “I think it’s a great idea to move to Paris without a job and see where life takes me!” kid. It’s awesome that you’ve created an independent adult but you might get lonely on the holidays.

  MADELINE

  Horrifyingly obedient, to the point where you can be reassured that even if you traveled out of town for a month and left her alone, your teenage daughter wouldn’t dare throw a party or look twice at the liquor cabinet. As an adult, she becomes a church group leader, even though you didn’t raise her with religion.

  Stereotyping People by Favorite Author

  THERE’S SOMETHING ESSENTIAL ABOUT our choice of our favorite author or book. We love those who speak to our experiences or to what we wish our world to be like. The author we put on a mantel and formally designate as our favorite says something very real and fundamental about how we view the world. A science fiction fan loves the alternate reality a book presents but knows it’s not real. From those dystopian societies, she doesn’t derive the expectation that she’ll someday live on Mars—she takes, instead, the feeling of adventure and endless possibilities. A Faulkner fan might not live in the South nor have any plans to, but he believes in the power of families and small communities. Your favorite author frames your approach to life. Having our favorite authors’ names proudly displayed on our bookshelves is our way of most aptly expressing the otherwise inexpressible.

  I am hardly the first person to point out that a particular author’s fans often share a distinct personality type. Martin Amis once said of his experience at a book signing with Roald Dahl, “[At] signing sessions with other writers…you look at the queues at each table and you can see definite human types gathering there.” Like attracts like—and here are some authors who seem to attract a particular breed.

  J. D. SALINGER

  Kids who don’t fit in (duh).

  STEPHENIE MEYER

  People who type like this: “OMG. Mah fAvvv <3 <3.”

  J. K. ROWLING

  Smart geeks.

  JACK KEROUAC

  Umphrey’s McGee fans.

  JEFFREY EUGENIDES

  Girls who didn’t get enough drama when they were younger.

  LAUREN WEISBERGER

  Girls who can’t read. Or think.

  JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER

  Thirtysomethings who were cool when they were twentysomething.

  JODI PICOULT

  Your mom when she’s at her time of the month.

  CHUCK KLOSTERMAN

  Boys who don’t read.

  CHUCK PALAHNIUK

  Boys who can’t read.

  CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

  People I would love to hang out with.

  LEO TOLSTOY

  Guys I want to date.

  FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY

  Guys I want to sleep with. (The difference between Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy lies in the fact that I think the Underground Man is sexier than Pierre Bezukhov.)

  CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY (OR WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY)

  People who love excess verbiage.

  AYN RAND

  Workaholics seeking validation.

  DAVID FOSTER WALLACE

  Confirmed nineties literati.

  JANE AUSTEN (OR THE BRONTË SISTERS)

  Girls who made out with other girls in college when they were going through a “phase.”

  HARUKI MURAKAMI

  People who like good music.

  RALPH WALDO EMERSON

  People who can start a fire.

  NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE

  People who used to sleep so deeply that they would pee their pants.

  CHARLES DICKENS

  Ninth graders who think they’re going to be authors someday but end up in marketing.

  WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

  People who like bondage.

  MARK TWAIN

  Liars.

  SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE

  People who drink scotch.

  JOSEPH CONRAD

  People who drink old-fashioneds.

  DOMINICK DUNNE

  People who get their class from Vanity Fair.

  ANNE RICE

  People who don’t use conditioner in their hair.

  EDGAR ALLAN POE

  Men who live in their mother’s basements. Or goth seventh graders.

  MICHAEL CRICHTON

  Doctors who went to third-tier medical s
chools.

  DAN BROWN

  People who used to get lost in supermarkets when they were kids.

  DAVE EGGERS

  Guys who are in the third-coolest frat of a private college.

  EMILY GIFFIN

  Women who give their boyfriends marriage ultimatums.

  RICHARD RUSSO

  People whose favorite day in elementary school was Grandparents’ Day.

  ANAÏS NIN

  Librarians.

  MARGARET ATWOOD

  Women whose favorite color is hunter green.

  WILLIAM FAULKNER

  People who are good at crosswords.

  JACKIE COLLINS

  Your drunk stepmother.

  NICHOLAS SPARKS

  Women who are usually constipated.

  JAMES PATTERSON

  Men who score a 153 on their LSAT exam.

  SYLVIA PLATH

  Girls who keep journals (too easy).

  GEORGE ORWELL

  Conspiracy theorists (too easy).

  ALDOUS HUXLEY

  People who are bigger conspiracy theorists than Orwell fans.

  HARPER LEE

  People who have read only one book in their life, To Kill a Mockingbird (their assigned reading in the ninth grade, naturally).

  NICK HORNBY

  Guys who wear skinny jeans and the girls who love them.

  ERNEST HEMINGWAY

  Men who own cottages.

  F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

  People who get adjustable-rate mortgages.

  VLADIMIR NABOKOV

  Men who use words like “dubious” and “tenacity.”

  FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE

  Sommeliers.

  BRET EASTON ELLIS

  Foo Fighters fans.

  HUNTER S. THOMPSON

  That kid in your philosophy class with the stupid tattoo.

  CORMAC MCCARTHY

  Men who don’t eat cream cheese.

  THOMAS AQUINAS

  Premature ejaculators.

  PEARL S. BUCK

  Women whose favorite president was Harry S. Truman.

  THOMAS PYNCHON

  People who used to be fans of J. D. Salinger.

  ELIZABETH GILBERT

  Women who liked the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood but didn’t read the book.

  REBECCA WELLS

  Women on the East Coast who wish they were from the South.

  TAMA JANOWITZ

  Cougars who went to an urban college in the eighties.

  ALICE SEBOLD

  People who liked Gilmore Girls—even the first season.

  MICHAEL SWANWICK

  Men who argue Neil Gaiman is overrated.

  TERRY GOODKIND

  People who have never been Dungeon Master but still play D & D.

  STEPHEN KING

  Eleventh graders who peed their pants while watching the movie It.

  H. P. LOVECRAFT

  People who can quote Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

  THE BROTHERS GRIMM

  Only children with Oedipal complexes.

  LEWIS CARROLL

  People who move to Thailand after high school for the drug scene.

  C. S. LEWIS

  Youth group leaders who picked their nose in the fourth grade.

  ELMORE LEONARD

  People who know how to perform a “Michigan left.”

  SHEL SILVERSTEIN

  Girls who can’t spell “l’chaim.”

  DOUGLAS ADAMS

  People who bought the first-generation Amazon Kindle.

  TUCKER MAX

  Guys who haven’t convinced their girlfriends to try anal yet.

  ALEXIS DE TOCQUEVILLE

  Political theory and constitutional democracy majors.

  TOM CLANCY

  People who skipped gym by hiding under the bleachers.

  HERMANN HESSE

  People who own one straw chair in their house.

  PHILIPPA GREGORY

  Women who have repressed their desire to go to Renaissance festivals.

  GABRIEL GARCÍA MÁRQUEZ

  Men who can’t lie but will instead be silent if they know you don’t want to hear the truth.

  SUSAN WIGGS

  Older women who are surprisingly loud during sex.

  NICOLE KRAUSS

  Girls who intern at Nylon but end up moving back to the Midwest for their real job.

  MITCH ALBOM

  People who didn’t go to college but do well on crossword puzzles.

  STIEG LARSSON

  Girls who are too frightened to go skydiving.

  SUE GRAFTON

  Women who have an @aol.com e-mail address.

  SETH GRAHAME-SMITH

  People who own a smart phone that requires a stylus to use.

  DAVID BALDACCI

  No one. Even the police prefer Tom Clancy over Baldacci.

  MICHAEL POLLAN

  The girl who just turned vegan to cover up her eating disorder.

  ANDREW ROSS SORKIN

  People who refer to themselves as “playing devil’s advocate.”

  O. HENRY

  Men who have names like Earl or Cliff and were really close with their paternal grandfather.

  MICHAEL CHABON

  People who hate Ayelet Waldman.

  RAY BRADBURY

  People who own souvenir golf club covers.

  JOSEPH HELLER

  People who love buying drinks for their friends. Also, people who cringe when they read their bar tab.

  DAVID MITCHELL

  Women who live in any area of Brooklyn other than Park Slope but may end up there someday (and, if that day comes, they will switch to Barbara Kingsolver).

  MAX BARRY

  People who don’t mind the color orange.

  DEAN KOONTZ

  People who would never dream of owning any type of “toy”-breed dog.

  JOHN IRVING

  People whose parents are divorced.

  RICHARD DAWKINS

  People whose significant others grab them under the table to shut them up whenever a dinner guest says something absolutely ridiculous and wrong.

  SALMAN RUSHDIE

  People who Google-image-search Padma Lakshmi late at night.

  ALBERT CAMUS

  People who went to art school after “trying it out” at a public university.

  KURT VONNEGUT

  People who play “Creep” by Radiohead while having sex or smoking pot.

  JAMES JOYCE

  People who do not like John Cusack movies.

  CHARLAINE HARRIS

  Elementary school teacher’s aides.

  JORGE LUIS BORGES

  People who took care of their dying grandparents.

  TERRY PRATCHETT

  People who really like monkeys.

  OSCAR WILDE

  People who can’t resist anything. See also people who claim they’re going to change but never do.

  TRUMAN CAPOTE

  People who would never dream of owning anything that could be classified as a knickknack.

  TOM WOLFE

  People who don’t mind others smoking around them.

  NEIL GAIMAN

  People who can name at least two Miyazaki films.

  J. M. COETZEE

  People who correct you on the pronunciation of words like “bruschetta” and “pied-à-terre” but cannot speak a language other than their native one.

  KEN KESEY

  Wavy Gravy.

  TOM ROBBINS

  Über-fans of the Butthole Surfers.

  THOMAS MANN

  Men who don’t understand the irony behind hipsters’ mustaches.

  PRIMO LEVI

  Your European Intellectual History professor.

  SAMUEL BECKETT

  People who loved Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger.

  MIRANDA JULY

  Girls who want to be described as “quirky.”

  HENRY MILLER

  People who like smut. Also, peopl
e who use the word “smut.”

  JONATHAN LETHEM

  People who secretly love John Grisham.

  TEDDY WAYNE

  People who just decided to start reading edgier contemporary fiction.

  NICHOLSON BAKER

  People who get into some kinky shit.

  PER PETTERSON

  The strange man who can’t resist telling you “how great that issue” of McSweeney’s is when you pick it up at the bookstore.

  CANDACE BUSHNELL

  Women who think fraternity and sorority life matters in college.

  PAULO COELHO

  A free-spirited PC user.

  YANN MARTEL

  Your annoying neighbor.

  JOSHUA FERRIS

  Someone who hasn’t read The Unnamed.

  AUGUSTEN BURROUGHS

  The caterer at the last soiree you attended.

  KURT ANDERSEN

  People who are sick of hearing parallels between him and Nick Denton.

  ADAM HASLETT

  The most boring guy at the dinner party.

  JONATHAN DEE

  Someone who has no idea what memes are and has no interest in finding out.

  How to Fake It

  WHAT FOLLOWS IS EVERYTHING you need to know to casually discuss some of the most well-known classic and contemporary authors. Pair these profiles with my section on how to avert discussion of major plot points in a novel and you can hold your own anywhere, under any circumstances.

  I’ve broken each author down into three easily digestible sections:

  Basics: The bare-bones facts about the author. The author’s genre, dominant themes in their work, and bits about their life story. Where it bears mentioning, I have also included the author’s influences and whom they influenced.

  Essentialography: The three most famous or infamous works by the author that you should know, arranged chronologically. I give a sentence-long paraphrase, then five words to add upon the narrative, a sort of slogan or mnemonic device. Since I tried to keep the synopsis as short as possible, please forgive me if I left out a character or part of the plot from a beloved book.

  Details: Nitty-gritty and titillating bits of the author’s biography, legacy, and body of work, alongside advice on how to deliver these gems in conversation to a rapt audience.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read Dostoyevsky

  BASICS

  This classic Russian author’s novels and stories revolve around the character of the “positively beautiful individual”—a person who gives more to others than to himself—and the damage that can result from an individual’s purposeful alienation from society and subsequent selfishness. Think of his theme as the opposite of Charlie Sheen’s “winning” campaign. (There is nothing sexier than a man or woman who believes they should give more than they get, so keep that in mind next time your date mentions their Russian literature degree. For more advice in this department see “Ten Rules for Bookstore Hookups,”.)